It's called being a girl

I feel like I hardly write on here enough. Why is that? Is it because I am having a lack of spiritual, uplifting experiences to write about? Potentially.. But regardless, I mean come on Maegan get your act together! Your poor readers are waiting for you! So I am going to write you today on whatever comes to mind!

Well. My first thought. They say that you always end up teaching the lessons that you most need to learn. Interestingly true... But yet, why are the lessons I most think about always about happiness? I personally consider myself to be a very happy person but I guess I am blind to my own personal well-being. So here it is Miss. Smarty Pants. My lesson for today. Why can't you just simply choose to be happy?
One day a while back I wrote a post on my other blog atheoryforthought.blogspot.com in October 2011 (the post called Conflicted if you feel like looking). This post is seriously a regular occurrence for me. It talks of how I am unhappy and feel like being happy but then naturally get more frustrated with myself and therefor get more unhappy. It makes a lot more sense in the blog ; ). Anyways My conclusion now is that it is 100% impossible to be happy all of the time. You read so many things, like my blog, prompting you to be more happy and to surround yourself with things that make you that way but honestly is it really too much to ask to just sit and be unhappy sometimes?
I'm relating this post to my all too well-known times of emotion when watching one of my favourite films. Lets bring up Titanic. Now who seriously can watch that movie by their self and not cry at the end? It really is just so sad! And I love being sad when I watch it! Why? Because it is just necessary and any girl would understand. Its the act of letting yourself be human. You soak back up into your own head and just let your emotions course through you.
Some men wonder why women can just sit in a living room looking at the wall and make themselves cry. Um, excuse me idiots, its because we want to cry. We want to be sad. We want to feel that self pity that every girl feels when watching The Notebook and wishing a man loved her like that. So why, I ask, can't I just simply choose to be happy? Because I don't always want to be. Thats why. * And, Dear Readers you should really take advantage of this post while you can because its right back to boot camp tomorrow! * And I will allow you one grace today to let yourself feel what you need to feel so that you don't have to feel it tomorrow. A necessary allowance I think. And off you go little followers of mine!

Letting Go

Letting Go. Easy isn't it? To say? How about do? ... Mm... Not so much. I guess for this blog it would be step number 2 but I know there were a few steps in between that I missed.
I went to a movie tonight with my dad. Not really my typical Friday night but we went straight downtown to a trendy/indie theatre to see a movie called Like Crazy. Now if you've seen the movie, I want to tell you that my post today has nothing to do with it. If you haven't, then yes it does. Because this is where I got the inspiration for my post today.
This is perhaps the last step in the cycle for the recovery process. I'm sorry I jumped so far ahead. But even though I know this, and used to constantly tell myself this, letting go is the most important part. I feel like I am just waiting, and waiting, and even more so, for my body to tell me that it is time. And I was driving home tonight listening to this song, Dead Hearts by Stars, and just feeling like my body was actually pushing away! Not physically but spiritually and figuratively away from the entire idea of a person that has put me in this position. Ah I am such an emotional person! I feel like I am about to cry right now writing this because it is so very real of an emotion that it so hard to describe.
Picture this. You are standing in a room. Don't think of white... Just think of foggy glass as if you could not see out. The room is warm. And you are happy, which is the worst part. Why am I happy? I am in an empty room of foggy glass with faint colours peering through. But its as if I was lying down in the backseat of a moving car. It's mindless really. I could listen to a happy song... let myself sit back a daydream. Yup I can be happy here.. Time goes by.. Sometimes I'm unhappy and sometimes its the other way but regardless what is there to worry about when I am in an empty room like this? Oh but more time goes by.. And I am remembering things that I once knew. Actually now come to think of it I remember being even happier than this. Actually I used to be really happy! Before I moved into this empty room. It's so vacant. My mind is so vacant. I just let myself sit back and think of anything. Really it is like coasting from day to day doing the same ordinary things. Talking to the same ordinary people and thinking the same ordinary thoughts. Why am I happy again? Oh that's right. I'm not. I'm in an empty room that has foggy glass stopping me from looking out. Why can I not look out? This is so annoying! So naturally my frustration gets the best of me and I start searching around the room.
And thats when I find it. The door. How did I not know that this door was just sitting here? So easily? For me to get out of this foggy room, this foggy state. I contemplate it even more for how completely absurd it is that I never encountered this door. But when looking back I guess I was never really looking... Funny how simple it is when you just decide to look.
And that is how I feel now. Funny how completely easy it is when I just decide to walk through the door and take that step. And how silly does it feel that it has always been here! Well. I think I am actually ready to let go. And my mind is so open and shocked at my blindness that I just want to tell the world! Let anyone know that there is a way better view on the other side! And to be honest, as much as my day to day experiences let me, I want to show the world this way to. And so my post today resorts around the song I previously mentioned. Its not really the lyrics, but the mood that it portrays. So here it is.