The Fourth Watch

iPhone Notes 12:30am March 29

My father told me the story of the fourth watch. To reiterate: this is a break down of time and episodes. The first watch, is like working the standard hours of the day 9-5. The second being 5-10 maybe, and the third to the fourth being the very last hours of the night before the return of the day. These hours are a metaphor for the times in our lives when we feel we are waiting for the lord to step into our lives to help us. My father told me something curious, that it's actually not the first, nor second or even third watch the lord steps in. That instead, he waits, and waits, until finally we may not be able to go any much farther at all before he comes to us. He then said that sometimes it even feels like the sixth or seventh watch before that happens. And he leaves us, simply so that we learn to get onto our own two feet. My father then said that the only exception to the fourth watch rule, is in the matter of repentance. I recently had the smallest of experiences with this. Simply "choosing" to repent is sometimes not enough. Decisions these days seem to be exceptionally fleeting. We change our minds all the time. But, while I was sitting in my bed one night, feeling sad, alone, discouraged, I decided to pick up a book called Mere Christianity by CSLewis. It's not the bible or the Book of Mormon, but in my heart I knew that I wanted to make to change, to be connected and feel the spirit again. It had been 2 or 3 days since I had officially "decided" this. Yet, it wasn't until this small act that I found that tiny whisper. In the preface of the book, Lewis talks of a house. He says that there are many people in the main hall of the house undecided about what door to go into, and there are many doors, but that even the worst door, is better than being undecided. He says some may wait in the hall for a considerable amount of time, but that if you are waiting, it is simply because God saw fit that it would be good for you to wait. He then warned, however that we must regard the hall as waiting and not camping. To quote, he says, "You must keep on praying for light: and, of course, even in the hall, you must begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house. And above all you must be asking which door is the true one." And there it was, my answer. And my dad was right. In the smallest of decisions for repentance, or choosing a door, I saw a flicker, a tiny bead, of what can be described as having no sense at all except that I felt the light, that indescribable sort of calm and peace and hope that in one word is called "spirit". And that is my testimony of the fourth watch. Not that he is waiting to extend his hand, but actually just waiting for you to extend yours. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen. 

M

Cinderella

I haven't post in a while. How is my Big Plan of Happiness going? Slowly... I ran out of steam. I stopped with all of my resolutions. In fact, I even confronted bigger problems. I think I ran downhill even more than I was before I had started. Why? I don't even know why. Maybe I am looking for something. How silly, of course I am. Happiness.

I had 2 largely impactful experiences recently. The most recent being that I just saw Cinderella in theatres for the third time. This time with my dad, and yet somehow, it was much more meaningful to me this time. My sister loved it (round two viewing), told me afterward how completely true it must be that to "have courage and be kind" can work wonders of success in your life. I agreed but it didn't sink in until today. Sometimes its just hard to have courage. I don't mean when I am out or confronting someone, I mean inside. I need to have courage on the inside. I need to have courage to have patience, to believe in myself, to continue to dream...

The second big thing was that i visited my dad's ARP (addictions recovery program) class the other day. It was really interesting. First time I've ever had experience with the program and I hardly had anything to share. I think I felt a tad out of place and uncomfortable. However, as my dad informed me, anyone looking to search for God or repentance is invited to attend. We all have battles and challenges we need to face and overcome. I'm starting to think patience and courage are my 2 biggest ones.

I guess I just feel sort of melancholy now. Having returned home from the spectacle of true love, again I find both my struggles poking at me. On the bright side, I have purchased a couple new books to help me to be continually inspired. I finished The Happiness Project and am on to The Charge: Activating the 10 human drives that make you feel alive. So far, so good. I'll keep you posted on that one and any new small successes I find.

A Charged Life

Last night I was scrolling through my Scribd app, an app that subscribes you access to various books and essays and such, and found this book called The Charge. I clicked into it and read the intro before going to bed. Well this morning, I picked it up again and started to learn about what it means to have a "charged life". The author describes 10 "human drives" that break down the elements that motivate and charge the modern day life. So far, so good. 

As I was reading, I had a realization of just how much I still need to learn. And on top of that, how I need to switch from an end goal focus to enjoying the journey. I just want to know everything right now! It's a problem. Anyways, this is by no measure a "new idea" but it was good for me to get shocked into realizing that I had fallen into that classic trap. I started on this Big Plan of Happiness with the intent on being able to figure out that the happiest way of life was through being spiritual, and in fact, I thought I had already figured that out and set off to prove it. How wrong am I... Not that I think spirituality isn't an excellent source of happiness, I just need to stop thinking that I know everything. It's not allowing me that room to be Open, like my resolution suggests I follow anyways. So, that was a good learning moment.

Thanks for reading!

M

More

If you are anything like me, you're probably always looking to the future, to better things and better times. You may think "I will be happier when _______ happens." When I have a bigger house, when I have a boyfriend, when I get that job, when I finally move to ______. You live in the future a bit. I am living in the future right now and honestly? Its depressing. If I could live in the future right now, I wouldn't even be here. I'd be living in New York, with my job/internship at a fashion house helping with the inspiration board that will turn into the SS16 collection. I wouldn't care if I had a boyfriend but I would love to have somebody to think about. I'd be making enough money to support myself. Because I would be surrounded by fashion junkies, I'd probably be eating healthier and as a result, feeling better. I would be in a super cool new church ward, full of beautiful New York singles. I hear the Wards there are awesome. I'd just be happier.

But how does any of this help my happiness now? Future planning? There is a quote I heard a while back and text to my uncle that says "If you're not now here, you're nowhere." If you don't live in the present, where do you live? I want to live NOW. And believe me, I am trying. My uncle shot back another quote that says, "He who looks outward, dreams. He who looks inward, awakens."

So I have my Big Plan of Happiness. I am praying, reading my scriptures, I truly believe that finding my spirituality right now will help me find the happiness I am looking for to live in the moment. And don't get me wrong, I am also looking for a new job right now and working on building relationships. But I keep trying to add things to my project. It feels like its not working! I want MORE! I always want more and I think this is a problem. How do I stay happy with what I have now? The answer is probably pretty textbook for most, I think I need to recognize what I have now. I also need to live in the moment more. I want to feel happy now. So maybe another resolution, find joy in all the small things.

I guess I am really happy about this Macbook I am using. I bought it like 5 years ago, but its actually really pretty still. And sleek. And its actually looking really sunny outside, and that drastically affects my day most days.

I'm going to focus. I actually feel better now. :)

M

Openness

I am finding it hard to give myself any check marks beside Openness on my resolutions chart. I want to learn how to be aware and listen to the council of others. This will help with learning Obedience. 

I was thinking this morning, and its not like I have spiritual, intriguing talks with people everyday that let me exercise this. So, I have resolved to start a "One-liner a day" journal where I will record something I find significant, everyday. It can be from the scriptures, after my 20 minute read, or I think I will follow a Quotes Page on Instagram or twitter.

Hopefully this works! I also have this perfect, pocket-sized moleskin book from chapters that I will keep with me in my purse to be able to record! I honestly just love hand writing, so carrying this with me will be motivational too! Plus, who doesn't love a good collection of good quotes? The more I think about this, the more excited I get.

So here it is to my revised resolution! Listen and record! Once a day!

M