The Fourth Watch

iPhone Notes 12:30am March 29

My father told me the story of the fourth watch. To reiterate: this is a break down of time and episodes. The first watch, is like working the standard hours of the day 9-5. The second being 5-10 maybe, and the third to the fourth being the very last hours of the night before the return of the day. These hours are a metaphor for the times in our lives when we feel we are waiting for the lord to step into our lives to help us. My father told me something curious, that it's actually not the first, nor second or even third watch the lord steps in. That instead, he waits, and waits, until finally we may not be able to go any much farther at all before he comes to us. He then said that sometimes it even feels like the sixth or seventh watch before that happens. And he leaves us, simply so that we learn to get onto our own two feet. My father then said that the only exception to the fourth watch rule, is in the matter of repentance. I recently had the smallest of experiences with this. Simply "choosing" to repent is sometimes not enough. Decisions these days seem to be exceptionally fleeting. We change our minds all the time. But, while I was sitting in my bed one night, feeling sad, alone, discouraged, I decided to pick up a book called Mere Christianity by CSLewis. It's not the bible or the Book of Mormon, but in my heart I knew that I wanted to make to change, to be connected and feel the spirit again. It had been 2 or 3 days since I had officially "decided" this. Yet, it wasn't until this small act that I found that tiny whisper. In the preface of the book, Lewis talks of a house. He says that there are many people in the main hall of the house undecided about what door to go into, and there are many doors, but that even the worst door, is better than being undecided. He says some may wait in the hall for a considerable amount of time, but that if you are waiting, it is simply because God saw fit that it would be good for you to wait. He then warned, however that we must regard the hall as waiting and not camping. To quote, he says, "You must keep on praying for light: and, of course, even in the hall, you must begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house. And above all you must be asking which door is the true one." And there it was, my answer. And my dad was right. In the smallest of decisions for repentance, or choosing a door, I saw a flicker, a tiny bead, of what can be described as having no sense at all except that I felt the light, that indescribable sort of calm and peace and hope that in one word is called "spirit". And that is my testimony of the fourth watch. Not that he is waiting to extend his hand, but actually just waiting for you to extend yours. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen. 

M

Cinderella

I haven't post in a while. How is my Big Plan of Happiness going? Slowly... I ran out of steam. I stopped with all of my resolutions. In fact, I even confronted bigger problems. I think I ran downhill even more than I was before I had started. Why? I don't even know why. Maybe I am looking for something. How silly, of course I am. Happiness.

I had 2 largely impactful experiences recently. The most recent being that I just saw Cinderella in theatres for the third time. This time with my dad, and yet somehow, it was much more meaningful to me this time. My sister loved it (round two viewing), told me afterward how completely true it must be that to "have courage and be kind" can work wonders of success in your life. I agreed but it didn't sink in until today. Sometimes its just hard to have courage. I don't mean when I am out or confronting someone, I mean inside. I need to have courage on the inside. I need to have courage to have patience, to believe in myself, to continue to dream...

The second big thing was that i visited my dad's ARP (addictions recovery program) class the other day. It was really interesting. First time I've ever had experience with the program and I hardly had anything to share. I think I felt a tad out of place and uncomfortable. However, as my dad informed me, anyone looking to search for God or repentance is invited to attend. We all have battles and challenges we need to face and overcome. I'm starting to think patience and courage are my 2 biggest ones.

I guess I just feel sort of melancholy now. Having returned home from the spectacle of true love, again I find both my struggles poking at me. On the bright side, I have purchased a couple new books to help me to be continually inspired. I finished The Happiness Project and am on to The Charge: Activating the 10 human drives that make you feel alive. So far, so good. I'll keep you posted on that one and any new small successes I find.

A Charged Life

Last night I was scrolling through my Scribd app, an app that subscribes you access to various books and essays and such, and found this book called The Charge. I clicked into it and read the intro before going to bed. Well this morning, I picked it up again and started to learn about what it means to have a "charged life". The author describes 10 "human drives" that break down the elements that motivate and charge the modern day life. So far, so good. 

As I was reading, I had a realization of just how much I still need to learn. And on top of that, how I need to switch from an end goal focus to enjoying the journey. I just want to know everything right now! It's a problem. Anyways, this is by no measure a "new idea" but it was good for me to get shocked into realizing that I had fallen into that classic trap. I started on this Big Plan of Happiness with the intent on being able to figure out that the happiest way of life was through being spiritual, and in fact, I thought I had already figured that out and set off to prove it. How wrong am I... Not that I think spirituality isn't an excellent source of happiness, I just need to stop thinking that I know everything. It's not allowing me that room to be Open, like my resolution suggests I follow anyways. So, that was a good learning moment.

Thanks for reading!

M

More

If you are anything like me, you're probably always looking to the future, to better things and better times. You may think "I will be happier when _______ happens." When I have a bigger house, when I have a boyfriend, when I get that job, when I finally move to ______. You live in the future a bit. I am living in the future right now and honestly? Its depressing. If I could live in the future right now, I wouldn't even be here. I'd be living in New York, with my job/internship at a fashion house helping with the inspiration board that will turn into the SS16 collection. I wouldn't care if I had a boyfriend but I would love to have somebody to think about. I'd be making enough money to support myself. Because I would be surrounded by fashion junkies, I'd probably be eating healthier and as a result, feeling better. I would be in a super cool new church ward, full of beautiful New York singles. I hear the Wards there are awesome. I'd just be happier.

But how does any of this help my happiness now? Future planning? There is a quote I heard a while back and text to my uncle that says "If you're not now here, you're nowhere." If you don't live in the present, where do you live? I want to live NOW. And believe me, I am trying. My uncle shot back another quote that says, "He who looks outward, dreams. He who looks inward, awakens."

So I have my Big Plan of Happiness. I am praying, reading my scriptures, I truly believe that finding my spirituality right now will help me find the happiness I am looking for to live in the moment. And don't get me wrong, I am also looking for a new job right now and working on building relationships. But I keep trying to add things to my project. It feels like its not working! I want MORE! I always want more and I think this is a problem. How do I stay happy with what I have now? The answer is probably pretty textbook for most, I think I need to recognize what I have now. I also need to live in the moment more. I want to feel happy now. So maybe another resolution, find joy in all the small things.

I guess I am really happy about this Macbook I am using. I bought it like 5 years ago, but its actually really pretty still. And sleek. And its actually looking really sunny outside, and that drastically affects my day most days.

I'm going to focus. I actually feel better now. :)

M

Openness

I am finding it hard to give myself any check marks beside Openness on my resolutions chart. I want to learn how to be aware and listen to the council of others. This will help with learning Obedience. 

I was thinking this morning, and its not like I have spiritual, intriguing talks with people everyday that let me exercise this. So, I have resolved to start a "One-liner a day" journal where I will record something I find significant, everyday. It can be from the scriptures, after my 20 minute read, or I think I will follow a Quotes Page on Instagram or twitter.

Hopefully this works! I also have this perfect, pocket-sized moleskin book from chapters that I will keep with me in my purse to be able to record! I honestly just love hand writing, so carrying this with me will be motivational too! Plus, who doesn't love a good collection of good quotes? The more I think about this, the more excited I get.

So here it is to my revised resolution! Listen and record! Once a day!

M

When you have too many exciting things to do

As almost all of you do not know, I just recently graduated from the Blanche Macdonald Centre with a Diploma in Fashion Design! At the grad show we debuted our grad collections and I was approached by someone who is a representative for a foundation called Brilliant! Which fundraises for the St. Paul's hospital for mental health. Anyways, I am currently in the process of designing and constructing 10 looks for the show that is coming up this September! The problem I am finding myself faced with is Distraction. "Distraction is the easiest adversity," is one of my Big Truths and here is why:

I am a project orientated person. I like doing projects in the shortest amount of time that I can! For this reason I am also a procrastinator. I procrastinate until the very last second so that I can start a project and then work on it until completion. Obviously, this collection is not that kind of project. So now, I am faced with learning Moderation, which is one of my Rules of Engagement.

As I have recently started my Big Plan of Happiness, I found that most of my time and energy is now going into thinking about new ideas and things I can work on for it. I am putting off my collection, simply because I want to work on this so much! And, its not like I don't have good reason, my spirituality is so important to my daily and long term life! If i'm not spiritual... I feel a disconnect which makes me feel a void. I've had this void for a while now and you know what? I have been lazy, and lonely, I feel empty and over all, not motivated at all! I am now on a new kick for life and its because of my Big Plan of Happiness!! Yay! So how do I find a balance?

I will call upon the wise words of the current Vancouver Mission President who says, "There is no such thing as a perfect balance." I was living in Vancouver when I went to a devotional held by a member of the Seventy and there was a Q&A period where the Mission President got up and told us that sometimes he needs to focus more on church in his life, and sometimes, he needs to focus more on work. This is what I need to learn to do. And somehow, saying it out loud makes me feel like I will focus on it more. So here's to "Moderation in all things!"

I don't want to give away my collection so I have included a fashion illustration for Valentino instead ;)

Rules of Engagement

Last night, I got reaallllyyyy excited about this project and decided to look through some old Spiritual Thoughts that me and my brothers had shared back in September of last year. While I was reading, it dawned on me just how IMPORTANT it is to record everything! I have always been really good at recording. I love taking notes on things. People say, "You wont ever look at that again," but they are just so wrong! I reread my notes all of the time. It helps to have them when you need to write a talk for church or prepare a spiritual thought. I like having them to remember how spiritual I once was and to reclaim that Fire that is so evident underneath the writing. To be able to re-feel those precious moments of insight or sheer emotion is such a gift. And if I hadn't been recording, I wouldn't have found this gem I just came across from September 30, 2014! (Found Below).

I have resolved to make myself a very thought-out list of Rules and Truths that I will hold to and remember during this project. Things that are very singular to me, but that others may also find true for themselves. It will be a list to remind me of when my bad habits are creeping in and stopping me from my quest of fulfilling my Big Plan of Happiness!

Rules of Engagement:
1: Be grateful
2: Record, record, record
3: Do it now
4: Be present
5: Own it
6: Let go of offence and anger
7: Stop second-guessing yourself
8: Moderation in all things
9: Be honest with yourself
10: Enjoy the process

Big Truths:
Charity never faileth
What you put in is what you get out
You affect every one you come into contact with
There is an individual plan for all of us
Waking up early makes your day so much better
Laziness never was happiness
Distraction is the easiest adversity
Do good, feel good
By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished
What you do everyday, matters more than what you do every once in a while
Messing up does not mean you need to start all over again
Ask and ye shall receive
All impressions of the Holy Ghost are small promptings of revelation
Your actions will shape your future
There is joy in tribulation
Obedience is the highest form of self-confidence
Enthusiasm is a social form of courage
People are often your angels
Forced obedience yields no enduring fruit

And to reiterate what my March Resolutions are for Mindfulness, I will list them below:
Pray in the a.m. and in the p.m.
Think prayerfully
20 minutes of scripture study
Say a small prayer before reading
Openness

And you know what else I have realized? This whole project is so much more fun, the more you put into it. Right now, I have hardly nicked the surface and yet, making these "Rules & Truths" lists has been so motivational! I am so much more excited about organizing and scheduling the different areas of spirituality that I will be focusing on. For a sneak peek I will tell you that in the coming months I will be looking to focus on Charity, Obedience, Relationships, Fellowship, and Keeping the spirit with me! Thats all for now. Look below to see the quote I wrote myself when I was more in-tune with my spirituality! This is just proof that I can get there again. :)

M

September 26, 2014

Hellooooo!! D&C 6:8 “Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation.” Desire. This is something I have been thinking about lots. I have a firm testimony that if you lack desire, whether for the gospel, to follow teachings, to serve, to bring about much good, it is simply because you lack understanding. Once you are at a point of understanding the happiness and joy the gospel brings, but further, the truthfulness and importance of each teaching, once you understand the connectedness between the gospel, between this life and the next and have an understanding of what the true meaning of life is, your desire to wield good to all you come upon will explode. Your desire to achieve the state of happiness that can only come through Christ will explode. You will no longer need to try so hard to follow principles and won't think of the standards as “rules” or “hard to follow.” The desire continues to burn but the blessings continue to be tangible. It's the fruit of life. And if any of you lack understanding or lack wisdom, let him work his butt off and ask of God. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

A bright and dark, stormy, snow filled morning of anticipation

This morning I got up and ready and went outside and my car was COVERED in snow! Um, hello? It's March. Lol, ok not a good excuse. But! 2 days ago it was +17 degrees Celsius outside. Not today! I unburied my car and was on my way to work when I remembered my daily resolutions.

I had NOT remembered to pray this morning! Though, the day is still young! I started thinking about prayer and mindfulness and I thought, "I am so happy my window wipers are working properly today!" (Sometimes they leave a streak of un-wiped space right in my field of vision). At this, my mind exploded with delight! I have come to a new conclusion!

To work on my Mindfulness, I need to start first, by thinking prayerfully. My resolution this month is to pray once in the AM and once in the PM but... I didn't specify if it would be as soon as I hop out of bed or not! Most people tell you to wake up and immediately drop to your knees. I think this is very wise! Though, I personally have not had much success with this particular strategy of remembrance.

I feel my prayers have this habit of becoming systematically rehearsed. I am thankful for the same things, often in the same order and I pray for certain things to happen or not happen, again, often in the same order and its like Robot Praying. I need to fix this.

By Thinking Prayerfully, I will be able to come up with more things, individual to the present, to pray for. This should not detract from or replace praying though.

My drive to work in the morning is 30 minutes. I am going to Think Prayerfully for the 30 minutes into and out of town while I drive! And I will be adding this to my Resolutions Chart for this month to help keep track of my success.

And on the topic of Prayer, they say that praying is when you talk to God and reading the scriptures is when he talks to you. So what do I want to talk to him about? My intent is to be mostly thankful. I think this will help me be much more mindful. I need gratitude in my life.

My hope for this month is to get into the habit of creating awareness of God in my life. This will help me, not only to start creating a relationship with him, but also to help me recognize the special things he does for me and to see his hands work in my life.

So along with praying I have resolved to reading my scriptures for 20 minutes. Any longer and I think I will think of it as a chore (I secretly already do) and it will be put on the back burner! Plus, who can't find 20 minutes of spare time in their day? Perhaps I will end up kicking my "twitter scrolling" to the curb to give me the extra time I am looking for.

To help with my mindfulness, I have also resolved to say a small prayer before reading that I can keep my mind open and to be able to understand the underlying messages of each text. I'm going to need to add Openness to this months resolutions chart as well. I like to think I am already open but I need to remember that the other people around me are much smarter than me and some of them will have really good suggestions for me.
 

Because I want to "Read 'em and Reap", I plan on reading and while reading, pondering. I'm actually a super slow reader! But I have a firm belief that all scriptures have small lessons. So, if by the end of my 20 minutes I only get through 5 really good verses, because I have been spending my time working out what they mean, I will be completely satisfied with that! And, if I find the verses or lessons super substantial, I will take extra time to record what I learned. I am a recorder, always have been, always will be!

My resolutions this month are to put me on a track that will help me to feel the spirit, to be meek and to be able to recognize the personal revelation that is always surrounding me but rarely noticed! I will keep blogging the interesting thoughts that I have on the subject and what I find through keeping my resolutions!

M

My Big Plan of Happiness

On Saturday night I finally finished reading the wonderful book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, and on Sunday I was having this idea that I could channel a happiness project towards the church! I'm a Mormon, :) incase you were wondering. Anyways, I kept thinking about it and got so excited over the course of the day at this plan! I know several people who are members but don't find they are very "fulfilled" being at church. It's understandable. But one particular conversation I recently had made me realize what one main problem is:

My best friend Michael told me that he decided he was going to go inactive. Honestly, I am not one to talk because my attendance and daily spirituality has actually been quite low recently, but of course, I freaked out! I said some things that were.. well, rude. Essentially I told him he is an idiot. Actually, I did tell him he is an idiot. He said he wanted to go less active in order to find out what he believes in and my retort was, you aren't going to find that out by furthering yourself from any ways to do that. Anyways, by the end of the conversation we decided that his actual problem was that he lacked a testimony and a relationship with God. So do I, actually. 

So, here I am on my new quest to find spirituality in my Big Plan of Happiness! I have been trying to break down what areas I can work on. Gretchen says that its easier to have something specific to keep track of than a general idea when trying to improve your life (I'm paraphrasing). Like "I will give my kids a positive encouragement in their endeavours everyday" opposed to "I want to be nicer to my kids". Its more easy to gage if you are actually keeping to it or not! 

I have decided I might need to go month to month to decide what actions to take next but I do have a few ideas of what to do so far. 

This month is dedicated to: MINDFULNESS 

My resolutions for this month are: Pray Everyday, once in the AM and once in the PM, also before I eat. And, Read my Scriptures everyday, once a day, for 20 minutes! 

I have the belief that these things will help me to be more mindful and to help me start building my relationship with God better! So, I intend to make a checklist chart that I can follow and as this month progresses I am sure I will add things to make my resolutions more potent in my mind! 

M