New Year's Resolution

I have decided to write this post early just incase I don't get around to it on the first of the year. This post is in regards to my new years resolutions. Last January on the first Sunday of the month I went to my singles ward and got up to bear my testimony to the congregation. The two weeks prior to this date was actually when this year (2011) started for me. I say that because if I was to sum up the story of the year, the story I have referred back to many times in this blog, I would say that this was the time when it all really started to happen. Continuing on though. I stood up and after already two weeks of hell I had come to the conclusion on this day that no matter what, the church is what makes me happy. I said that I am happy when I follow it and when I live by the standards that it provides. I then went on to say that I have never really made a New Year's Resolution before. Well. Imagine this. I told the congregation that this year I planned on doing something great. And I had no idea what it was. Just something great (Left it open for interpretation as you can see..).
 I have always wanted to do something great in my life and I am sure I still will but when looking back on the year I can't imagine that I actually accomplished a lot. Nothing tangible or even anything that can be talked about in casual conversation. I am only telling you this because obviously I have figured out something great about the year that I plan on sharing. That great thing is this: My story of the year. The entire point of this blog! It is the love, the loss, the agony, the remorse, the sin, the corruption, the happiness, the confusion, the realization and finally, the recovery. Here I am dear followers! Living proof that life, in and of itself, is great. So what if I dropped out of college? So what if I have no idea what I plan on doing for the rest of my life or the fact that for the last 3 months I have, in fact, been working for my father? So what if I have not made any progress in the actual world of living and working and school? I think because so many people rank personal greatness as a form of wealth or popularity that we have forgotten how great life truly is.
In writing this post I have already found another New Year's Resolution that I might perhaps share again on the first sunday of the month with my new congregation. That resolution is this: This year I will be happy. Just plain and simple happy. I will find happiness in the small things and perhaps even find happiness in a large thing as well. Since I focused on doing something great last year, I have come to the realization that I hate the idea of having to prove myself to anyone or even myself. Life is great is it not? So why not make the best of it? I guess happiness it is. I hope you enjoyed my post and I will probably talked to you again in 2012!!

This Fire Grows Higher

Again with the emotions. Ok. Today class we are going to learn that it's a little unnecessary to freak out when someone comments to you about "said problem" that you have been working on. For me, it's an ex-boyfriend. Perfect. Just remember class! They probably have bigger issues than you. Kidding. If you think that way then I would suggest taking a second look at your own problems... Actually I guess I will go into a little more detail on this one.
A cute boy (I'm saying this because he will probably read this and I am trying to use it as some sort of an apology for my mistake) was chatting to me today and brought up le ex-boyfriend. Well I will tell you, it absolutely bugged me! First of all, because I told him I didn't want to talk about it, second of all because what kind of person does that when you are on "The Road To Recovery" and third of all, why would you ever want to discuss a mistake you have made with someone you are pretty much trying to impress? I get that we are all humans but sometimes skeletons need to stay in the closet for just a bit longer until you know each other better.
Well naturally I kind of tried to laugh it off and make it all a joke but afterwards I just couldn't sit in silence. So what did I do? Well... I freaked out obviously. And to be honest I think I was so rude as to actually hurt his feelings instead of mine. Who am i? My ex? I sure hope not.. So that is what this post is about today. A little lesson that we all need to learn.
Not everyone knows you and what you have been through. Not everyone is going to assume that they need to be sensitive when talking about things they know nothing about. And it's not like anyone is going out of their way to purposefully make you feel bad about it.
I am likening this post unto a song that is actually my new favourite. It's called, "You are a tourist" by Death Cab for Cutie. A couple of lines in the song are, "When there's a burning in your heart, this fire grows higher". Make what you will of that but for me I felt like I burst into flames today and for no reason. I guess when there's a burning in your heart that is what happens. Well according to the song at least. Maybe the burning is because I am not fully recovered. Maybe its because of a third party factor that actually had nothing to do with the situation or maybe I just felt like getting mad at someone. I don't really have it pin pointed but I will tell you from experience that you definitely feel bad after. So here is my song for the day and perhaps a few pictures that I can bunch together.

It's called being a girl

I feel like I hardly write on here enough. Why is that? Is it because I am having a lack of spiritual, uplifting experiences to write about? Potentially.. But regardless, I mean come on Maegan get your act together! Your poor readers are waiting for you! So I am going to write you today on whatever comes to mind!

Well. My first thought. They say that you always end up teaching the lessons that you most need to learn. Interestingly true... But yet, why are the lessons I most think about always about happiness? I personally consider myself to be a very happy person but I guess I am blind to my own personal well-being. So here it is Miss. Smarty Pants. My lesson for today. Why can't you just simply choose to be happy?
One day a while back I wrote a post on my other blog atheoryforthought.blogspot.com in October 2011 (the post called Conflicted if you feel like looking). This post is seriously a regular occurrence for me. It talks of how I am unhappy and feel like being happy but then naturally get more frustrated with myself and therefor get more unhappy. It makes a lot more sense in the blog ; ). Anyways My conclusion now is that it is 100% impossible to be happy all of the time. You read so many things, like my blog, prompting you to be more happy and to surround yourself with things that make you that way but honestly is it really too much to ask to just sit and be unhappy sometimes?
I'm relating this post to my all too well-known times of emotion when watching one of my favourite films. Lets bring up Titanic. Now who seriously can watch that movie by their self and not cry at the end? It really is just so sad! And I love being sad when I watch it! Why? Because it is just necessary and any girl would understand. Its the act of letting yourself be human. You soak back up into your own head and just let your emotions course through you.
Some men wonder why women can just sit in a living room looking at the wall and make themselves cry. Um, excuse me idiots, its because we want to cry. We want to be sad. We want to feel that self pity that every girl feels when watching The Notebook and wishing a man loved her like that. So why, I ask, can't I just simply choose to be happy? Because I don't always want to be. Thats why. * And, Dear Readers you should really take advantage of this post while you can because its right back to boot camp tomorrow! * And I will allow you one grace today to let yourself feel what you need to feel so that you don't have to feel it tomorrow. A necessary allowance I think. And off you go little followers of mine!