I have decided to write this post early just incase I don't get around to it on the first of the year. This post is in regards to my new years resolutions. Last January on the first Sunday of the month I went to my singles ward and got up to bear my testimony to the congregation. The two weeks prior to this date was actually when this year (2011) started for me. I say that because if I was to sum up the story of the year, the story I have referred back to many times in this blog, I would say that this was the time when it all really started to happen. Continuing on though. I stood up and after already two weeks of hell I had come to the conclusion on this day that no matter what, the church is what makes me happy. I said that I am happy when I follow it and when I live by the standards that it provides. I then went on to say that I have never really made a New Year's Resolution before. Well. Imagine this. I told the congregation that this year I planned on doing something great. And I had no idea what it was. Just something great (Left it open for interpretation as you can see..).
I have always wanted to do something great in my life and I am sure I still will but when looking back on the year I can't imagine that I actually accomplished a lot. Nothing tangible or even anything that can be talked about in casual conversation. I am only telling you this because obviously I have figured out something great about the year that I plan on sharing. That great thing is this: My story of the year. The entire point of this blog! It is the love, the loss, the agony, the remorse, the sin, the corruption, the happiness, the confusion, the realization and finally, the recovery. Here I am dear followers! Living proof that life, in and of itself, is great. So what if I dropped out of college? So what if I have no idea what I plan on doing for the rest of my life or the fact that for the last 3 months I have, in fact, been working for my father? So what if I have not made any progress in the actual world of living and working and school? I think because so many people rank personal greatness as a form of wealth or popularity that we have forgotten how great life truly is.
In writing this post I have already found another New Year's Resolution that I might perhaps share again on the first sunday of the month with my new congregation. That resolution is this: This year I will be happy. Just plain and simple happy. I will find happiness in the small things and perhaps even find happiness in a large thing as well. Since I focused on doing something great last year, I have come to the realization that I hate the idea of having to prove myself to anyone or even myself. Life is great is it not? So why not make the best of it? I guess happiness it is. I hope you enjoyed my post and I will probably talked to you again in 2012!!
Again with the emotions. Ok. Today class we are going to learn that it's a little unnecessary to freak out when someone comments to you about "said problem" that you have been working on. For me, it's an ex-boyfriend. Perfect. Just remember class! They probably have bigger issues than you. Kidding. If you think that way then I would suggest taking a second look at your own problems... Actually I guess I will go into a little more detail on this one.
A cute boy (I'm saying this because he will probably read this and I am trying to use it as some sort of an apology for my mistake) was chatting to me today and brought up le ex-boyfriend. Well I will tell you, it absolutely bugged me! First of all, because I told him I didn't want to talk about it, second of all because what kind of person does that when you are on "The Road To Recovery" and third of all, why would you ever want to discuss a mistake you have made with someone you are pretty much trying to impress? I get that we are all humans but sometimes skeletons need to stay in the closet for just a bit longer until you know each other better.
Well naturally I kind of tried to laugh it off and make it all a joke but afterwards I just couldn't sit in silence. So what did I do? Well... I freaked out obviously. And to be honest I think I was so rude as to actually hurt his feelings instead of mine. Who am i? My ex? I sure hope not.. So that is what this post is about today. A little lesson that we all need to learn.
Not everyone knows you and what you have been through. Not everyone is going to assume that they need to be sensitive when talking about things they know nothing about. And it's not like anyone is going out of their way to purposefully make you feel bad about it.
I am likening this post unto a song that is actually my new favourite. It's called, "You are a tourist" by Death Cab for Cutie. A couple of lines in the song are, "When there's a burning in your heart, this fire grows higher". Make what you will of that but for me I felt like I burst into flames today and for no reason. I guess when there's a burning in your heart that is what happens. Well according to the song at least. Maybe the burning is because I am not fully recovered. Maybe its because of a third party factor that actually had nothing to do with the situation or maybe I just felt like getting mad at someone. I don't really have it pin pointed but I will tell you from experience that you definitely feel bad after. So here is my song for the day and perhaps a few pictures that I can bunch together.
I feel like I hardly write on here enough. Why is that? Is it because I am having a lack of spiritual, uplifting experiences to write about? Potentially.. But regardless, I mean come on Maegan get your act together! Your poor readers are waiting for you! So I am going to write you today on whatever comes to mind!
Well. My first thought. They say that you always end up teaching the lessons that you most need to learn. Interestingly true... But yet, why are the lessons I most think about always about happiness? I personally consider myself to be a very happy person but I guess I am blind to my own personal well-being. So here it is Miss. Smarty Pants. My lesson for today. Why can't you just simply choose to be happy?
One day a while back I wrote a post on my other blog atheoryforthought.blogspot.com in October 2011 (the post called Conflicted if you feel like looking). This post is seriously a regular occurrence for me. It talks of how I am unhappy and feel like being happy but then naturally get more frustrated with myself and therefor get more unhappy. It makes a lot more sense in the blog ; ). Anyways My conclusion now is that it is 100% impossible to be happy all of the time. You read so many things, like my blog, prompting you to be more happy and to surround yourself with things that make you that way but honestly is it really too much to ask to just sit and be unhappy sometimes?
I'm relating this post to my all too well-known times of emotion when watching one of my favourite films. Lets bring up Titanic. Now who seriously can watch that movie by their self and not cry at the end? It really is just so sad! And I love being sad when I watch it! Why? Because it is just necessary and any girl would understand. Its the act of letting yourself be human. You soak back up into your own head and just let your emotions course through you.
Some men wonder why women can just sit in a living room looking at the wall and make themselves cry. Um, excuse me idiots, its because we want to cry. We want to be sad. We want to feel that self pity that every girl feels when watching The Notebook and wishing a man loved her like that. So why, I ask, can't I just simply choose to be happy? Because I don't always want to be. Thats why. * And, Dear Readers you should really take advantage of this post while you can because its right back to boot camp tomorrow! * And I will allow you one grace today to let yourself feel what you need to feel so that you don't have to feel it tomorrow. A necessary allowance I think. And off you go little followers of mine!
Letting Go. Easy isn't it? To say? How about do? ... Mm... Not so much. I guess for this blog it would be step number 2 but I know there were a few steps in between that I missed.
I went to a movie tonight with my dad. Not really my typical Friday night but we went straight downtown to a trendy/indie theatre to see a movie called Like Crazy. Now if you've seen the movie, I want to tell you that my post today has nothing to do with it. If you haven't, then yes it does. Because this is where I got the inspiration for my post today.
This is perhaps the last step in the cycle for the recovery process. I'm sorry I jumped so far ahead. But even though I know this, and used to constantly tell myself this, letting go is the most important part. I feel like I am just waiting, and waiting, and even more so, for my body to tell me that it is time. And I was driving home tonight listening to this song, Dead Hearts by Stars, and just feeling like my body was actually pushing away! Not physically but spiritually and figuratively away from the entire idea of a person that has put me in this position. Ah I am such an emotional person! I feel like I am about to cry right now writing this because it is so very real of an emotion that it so hard to describe.
Picture this. You are standing in a room. Don't think of white... Just think of foggy glass as if you could not see out. The room is warm. And you are happy, which is the worst part. Why am I happy? I am in an empty room of foggy glass with faint colours peering through. But its as if I was lying down in the backseat of a moving car. It's mindless really. I could listen to a happy song... let myself sit back a daydream. Yup I can be happy here.. Time goes by.. Sometimes I'm unhappy and sometimes its the other way but regardless what is there to worry about when I am in an empty room like this? Oh but more time goes by.. And I am remembering things that I once knew. Actually now come to think of it I remember being even happier than this. Actually I used to be really happy! Before I moved into this empty room. It's so vacant. My mind is so vacant. I just let myself sit back and think of anything. Really it is like coasting from day to day doing the same ordinary things. Talking to the same ordinary people and thinking the same ordinary thoughts. Why am I happy again? Oh that's right. I'm not. I'm in an empty room that has foggy glass stopping me from looking out. Why can I not look out? This is so annoying! So naturally my frustration gets the best of me and I start searching around the room.
And thats when I find it. The door. How did I not know that this door was just sitting here? So easily? For me to get out of this foggy room, this foggy state. I contemplate it even more for how completely absurd it is that I never encountered this door. But when looking back I guess I was never really looking... Funny how simple it is when you just decide to look.
And that is how I feel now. Funny how completely easy it is when I just decide to walk through the door and take that step. And how silly does it feel that it has always been here! Well. I think I am actually ready to let go. And my mind is so open and shocked at my blindness that I just want to tell the world! Let anyone know that there is a way better view on the other side! And to be honest, as much as my day to day experiences let me, I want to show the world this way to. And so my post today resorts around the song I previously mentioned. Its not really the lyrics, but the mood that it portrays. So here it is.
So I just experienced something that i'm sure at least 80% of the women in the world would agree is worth experiencing. At least. I saw Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1. I know I know... amazing. Also If you are reading this and either A. rolling your eyes or B. getting a disgusted look on your face, you are just being stubborn and you and I both know that you can't beat the twilight series. I mean who wouldn't want to marry a vampire right?
Anyways so of course I went ahead and bought the soundtrack and surprisingly enough! It's amazing! They always pick indie music which I think is awesome but they have one song in particular on this soundtrack that is just beautiful. My new favourite for sure. Here is the link:
So I listened to this song today on my way home from the mall and for some reason I got super emotional and started crying! Just the lyrics when she says, "I have loved you for a thousand years and I will love you for a thousand more." Well like any 19 year old girl obsessed with love stories, you just wish you were in love with the perfect person. I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to meet my true love which is childish but so true! And after the love I have already endured and lost (it was a bad one), I just feel like I am ready for the right one now. And like my first post on here.. I am ready to be happy. And how to be happy but to be in love? And how to be happy and be in love with the right person? I already knew this but I am reconfirming to myself that the only way I will meet him is if I am in the right place at the right time. And where am I know? Well.. On the Road To Recovery obviously lol... I don't know what kind of person he will be or what he will like to do or what he will think is funny but I do know, that one day I will be thinking nothing of him and he will appear out of no where and sweep me off my feet! So the conclusion of my post today: Be in the right place so that you can find the right person. And I mean that spiritually. Let yourself be happy by making yourself available to be. Oh ya and I say that in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen!
I really wasn't sure how I was going to start my next post here. You think, "awe this is going to be great!" when you first start your blog and then once your done its like hmm... what to say next.. still stuck in the marvelling phase of my first post and unable to think of any new ideas. Well! Here I am! Back and ready to share!
I have this amazing thing called Pinterest, which I only recently discovered and while looking through some posts I discovered this video. Never heard of the lad before but he seems to be pretty smart in regards to worldly things and linking them to church scenarios. So take a look because it really is just so smart and I hope you enjoy!
I guess this marks my first official blog on the The Road To Recovery. Well, Like many of you I am an imperfect soul in an imperfect world. Sure I am young, but that does not stop me from living, and making mistakes, and learning from them like so many others like me. You don't need a sob fest so I won't elaborate on my downfalls in life but I will tell you that I have had them. And yes, some of them have been pretty bad.
I decided to create this blog because of a conversation I had with my bishop the other day. He said that one of the steps on the road to recovery is to submit yourself to service. He asked me if I would like a calling in Primary or something of the same likeness which I said I would be glad to participate in (I'm 19 and should be in singles ward but I'm sticking with the family for the time being).
Well since then I have been pondering different areas of service that I could commit to and still be able to enjoy and prosper in and here I am! I wondered if anyone else has started a blog like mine and had a slightly selfish thought to think mine would be the first and awesome. Obviously it is probably untrue since half of the world functions through the internet these days but regardless I hope my words will inspire and uplift.
Well so far this road has been a tough one (it always is) but I think I am finally ready to let myself get better. I know its a childish thought process to think I needed to wait until I was ready but to be honest I just didn't feel the kick like I should have. But here I am! Woot! One thing I know for certain is that I am happier when I feel better about myself. Classic self esteem lesson but you can take it one or two steps past looks and say that you feel better when you are better. And yes. I have a testimony of this. So I am now committing to writing in this blog whenever I feel that I have something to say! No I do not guarantee that they will always be uplifting but hey? It's the Road To Recovery, not always an upward slope.
So I take this as Step 1. Committing. It doesn't have to be something big. I mean hey its only a blog I can rant in right? But committing to something small is just baby steps to committing to something much more large. I am committing to the idea of service right now and hopefully if and when I get readers, I will be able to see what others think and hopefully any positive feedback will encourage me to help more. So please if you have any thoughts share them! The steps are starting now and I hope you enjoy!
